Windspeed (knots): calm
Apart from penguins and the occasional petrel, there are these huge scavenger birds down here called skuas.
They are infamous for waiting for us to take our food out of the galley to our rooms and they are very skilled at getting our plates out of our hands or our food off or our plates. There are stories of skuas coming out of nowhere from underneath trays and plates, knocking the food out of the unsuspecting Antarctican's hands, or just dive bombing from the top. Some people surrender their food with no attack necessary. After at least 30% of meals there is some evidence of a skua attack, a stick of broccoli, a slice of bread, that weird stew they served at lunch yesterday. Personally, in 5 seasons i've never had a problem. I respect the skuas, they survive in the worst of conditions, they're sassy. They're tough. I thought it was kind of like how I always get along with the squirreliest kids in the class, they just pick up my cool vibe and leave me alone. We have mutual respect for each other.
Lately i've been eating in my room a lot. The skuas just give me the "wassup homey?" head nod and go find some vulnerable person to attack. We are in the same club of bad asses. Or so i thought...until yesterday.
So at dinner time last night I'm walking out of the galley building heading to my room with my food and my friend Sally just points to this particularly scruffy and menacing looking skua strategically positioned to block any of 4 dorms. Sally doesn't say a word. We give each other the knowing "i got your back" nod and proceed toward our dorm. Then I brilliantly decided to go AROUND the fucking thing, and that god damned skua started dive bombing me! Multiple attacks! I started running and screaming like a crazy person, serpentining, running around and shaking my head like it was a god damned bee or something. I completely lost my mind. These things are huge, they must weigh 7 lbs. I just kept seeing his shadow getting bigger, complete with claws. He'd retreat and come back for another attack. I could feel his claws in my hair during at least 2 of the attacks.
Yes, there were many witnesses.
Yes, they all know who I am.
Watching me running, screaming, shaking my head with my god damned dinner in my hands yelling out "suggestions" like it was a spectator sport.
"JONI! STOP AND LOOK HIM IN THE EYE!" yells Dave
"THROW YOUR FOOD!" screams Sally
"STOP RUNNING" yells someone else
But no. I stuck to my guns. Running in a big circle screaming like a crazy person. Until, in the grand finale...i tripped and slid across the dirt like a major league baseball player. I mean i SLID. then my friend Ralph calmly stood between me and that skua, I collected my plate, wiped the tears (of laughter) from my cheeks, and went inside. Within 2 seconds someone saw me in the hall and said "I heard that was the worst one ever!"
Dinner sucked. I should have fed it to the skua.
i hope you laugh as much as I did (and still am).
No comments:
Post a Comment